Each week I have been picking a film on Netflix that I expect to be bad and reviewing it. At the behest of a friend, I decided to jump in and give Transformers 3 a shot. At the urging of another friend, I am posting it here. God save us all.
8:06 PM – Limited
#Gpluslivereviews Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Netflix says: The third installment in Michael Bay’s trilogy travels back to 1969’s historic moon landing, when Neil Armstrong and his Apollo 11 cohorts touch down in the Sea of Tranquility…and discover what appears to be a downed Transformers craft.
Netflix believes I will give this 0 faces. Let’s find out!
Ok, before we begin I need to point out two things:
1) ’69 moon landing heh heh heh
2) Doesn’t this short blurb already invalidate the first fucking movie?
One other Netflix gem.
This movie is: Exciting
I still like the Transformers sound effect during the studio splash. Shut up haters.
Ok, so the Decepticons are the legitimate rulers or the vocal majority?
I mean, there were more of them, and they had better arms right? Are the Autobots rebels? They said Freedom Fighters. Is this rhetoric?
MACHINES USING MACHINES TO FIGHT!
The Michael Bay setting splashes are all in my face. Christopher Nolan didn’t do that when they skipped time even.
CGI JFK will be in my nightmares.
In all honesty, I like alternate history though. I mean, robots crashing on the moon to prompt the space program seems pretty cool as a single sentence idea.
Do we need quite so much moon landing though? I mean, it’s like five minutes of real footage and then splicing of actors recreating live footage?
Still going, fuck you Michael Bay. Can we get a goddamn editor?
Start with the landing and the downed ship. I JUST SAVED YOU TEN MINUTES MOTHERFUCKER.
Ohnoes! A giant metal face! It gave a guy the vapors.
Too big to check the ship, but everything is dead in here.
The Turn/Zoom pans can seriously eat my shit.
WE DON’T NEED MORE REAL FOOTAGE. Fuckin’ A. This is practically masturbatory.
aaaand x-ray smash to credits
Body part of a lady before the name or face! SHOT!
Did Sam Whitwicki make a deal with the devil? Whitwicki and the Devil.
Seriously, this fuckin’ guy.
The government paid for his college, gave him a medal and introduced him to a hot foreign chick. BOO FUCKIN HOO. Though really, why wouldn’t he have a job with them though?
Oh yay, the parents are coming…
Perv bot! I missed ya buddy!
What the fuck is that about though? Horny robots?
Commenter 18:19 PM
I think he got a thing for blondes after the decepti-blonde in the second movie.
Sam or Perv Bot?
Decepti-blonde was fucking weird looking.
Commenter 18:20 PM
Oh Jersey Bot.
Why aren’t these guys with the government?
Oh, Jersey EXPOSITION bot.
I don’t get it. Why aren’t they with the government? I might get hung up on this. Political refugees? It makes no sense.
OH YAY! THE PARENTS!
Oh parental disappointment. TOO BAD YOU SAVED THE WORLD TWICE AND GOT A MEDAL, YOU ARE LETTING ME DOWN.
Mom with a good zinger.
Wait, now we get a voice over?
Terrorists! Oh, and like a persian dervish autobot? I mean, that’s cool?
I like the Ukranian dude. He’s kind of a baller. I don’t hate Josh Duhmel either. Whatever.
Turn zoom in a fucking school interior shot? Fuck my life.
The radiation of Chernobyl only allows for turn zooms and shaky cam. Little known side effect.
Oh shit, SAND WORM!
Walk with out rhythm guys! WALK WITHOUT RHYTHM!
It sounds like the cloverfield monster.
Man I love Cloverfield. Seriously.
Oh shit, Optimus Prime has a mobile armory that looks like a Stargate!
And a fire sword!
The action has got less hectic at least.
OPTIMUS “EXPOSITION” PRIME
Oh no, a metal vulture!
You remember when robots used to speak in metalese or whatever and then it translated?
Sam’s dad causes his problems I think.
His dad is a dick.
ASIAN COLONEL SANDERS!
Oh politics. “We’re a republican office. FUCK YO OBAMA MEDAL! LIBERAL FUCK!”
John Malkovich. You are fucking better than this. Why are you on the set of Mad Men? I think that office is from Mad Men right?
The suit is, that’s for fucking sure.
Take charge viking barbarian. I am going to use that phrase a lot.
I kind of think that the role of John Malkovich was written for Danny McBride. I want to imagine a world where that happened.
Hey, it’s Jeff from Chuck!
I actually do feel bad for Sam here a little.
John Malkovich is way better than this though.
Shia Lebouf is probably not.
His penis was in a music video though where he was an abusive drug addict. How did we not talk about that?
Probably because we got sick from all the turn zooms.
Rentdownstairs9:04 PM (edited)Edit
Frances McDormand? She’s way better than this.
You were in fucking Fargo!
You don’t need this pay check.
Rentdownstairs8:35 PM (edited)Edit
Wait, why the fuck did John Turturro do these films? I know he didn’t need this money.
Oh, I have an internet hang up.
Not like a HANG UP, but like a connectivity issue
An autobot named Q that’s the gadget guy? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Can Ian Fleming’s estate sue?
Optimus Prime, u mad bro?
Ya, u mad.
It’s real astronauts!
I am pretty sure this movie invalidates the other two movies right?
Oh, Frances says “It was locked away in Sector 7, we never knew”
Wasn’t Sector 7 the entity in the first film though?
I mean, it’s like 4 hours guys, can you not rewatch to get consistency?
I like the Chernobyl shit though, kind of neat.
The Ark? Fucking really?
Wait, the Decepticons lead them there right? To Chernobyl?
I mean, if they knew that was there, why didn’t they just go to the fucking moon? Now OP is in a hurry?
The all white sets? I really think they raided Mad Men
Oh hey, it’s Patrick Dempsey! You handsome motherfucker!
You are better than this movie too! You were in uhhh, umm, errr…nevermind bro, carry on.
Carly went from the White House to a private collection curator?
Woooooow. Michael Bay, your fetish is showing.
The Duchess, and let me talk about this car, look at the curves, elegant, beautiful, sensual, meant to evoke the ideal woman. TOO BAD YOU NEVER SHOWED THE CAR AND JUST CRAWLED UP THE WOMAN.
I like Sam’s Rage Face. I want that as my icon.
I really do feel bad for Sam Whitwicki so far. Poor fucking guy.
He’s flipping out a good bit right now though, I feel less sorry.
Dillon McDouchebag is Patrick Dempsey’s character right?
ALL THE TURN ZOOMS!
We’re robots on the moon. We carry laser harpoons.
We weld the ship, while the camera flips, and sing our autobot tunes.
Shit just floats on the moon?
and a smash cut to the Serengeti without the Michael Bay spoiler tag?
The inconsistency in which the tags are used is really bothering me. It was every fucking scene at the beginning.
OH SHIT MEGATRON IS THE DARK WANDERER FROM DIABLO!
So is this political commentary? Megatron is an African Warlord?
Why is soundwave so small when the SAND WORM was fucking giant?
Also, this really was a Decepticon plot? Why couldn’t they just go to the moon?
Oh god, the vulture scene is fucking terrible. It’s like a two-cut horror film? Sam Raimi should have directed this series.
Hoochie momma latin melt down? That’s pretty fucking racist.
Michael Bay, that fetish is showing, a random cut to an upskirt scene?
Everything is white and art deco. What the fuck?
Ken Jeong is a fantastic creeper though.
The product placement, it burns!
Carly gets a nickname. Condescending Carly, or perhaps Conniving Carly.
Fucking for real? Scenes of people staring at her ass, with her parting shot of “See ya boys!” Also, let’s not gloss over the whole fucking “oh yeah my boss just gave me $200,000 car and I don’t think anything is wrong with that”
Ken Jeong is pretty awesome in this. The Pee-Wee Herman suit with the amped up crazy.
Paul Goodwin8:53 PM
Wow. It sounds like it was everything I imagined, and more…and somehow LESS…
Deep Wang? I’m talking code. With two men in the bathroom stall.
Ken Jeong is really killing it.
And Sam decides to take the crotch paper clippings and crazy writings?
Why does the Vulture Bot has a gross liquid maw?
And the Sam Raimi horror cuts again? What the fuck is going on with this movie?
John Malkovich is way better than this.
“The Japanese never make it easy!” Way to be racist again.
The Turn Zooms!
Condescending Carly! Don’t be upset Sam, I am sure you were not attacked by robots, despite the fact that I know you got a medal for it!
Sam’s Rage Face is hilarious!
Wait, Carly has seen the tiny robots right? Why the fuck is she incredulous?
Why are the guards being dicks to Sam after the robots have shown up?
Wait, Bumblebee is freaking out Carly now? Confused Carly?
To be fair to Sam here, I might be a big ol’ dick if I was rolling with at giant robot. Allow it.
The Turn Zooms!
I’LL SEE YOU ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOOOOON!
“Why would the Decepticons want to kill humans?” Are you fucking kidding me here?
Seriously, after the last two fucking films?
Sentinel was the Einstein, so we better keep him locked up?
Fuck my life, I still have 1:45 left of this fucking movie? This is the same length as Dark Knight Rises?
That’s when he made his first Crypto-Time report? What?
Rentdownstairs9:04 PM (edited)Edit
Frances McDormand, you are waaaaay better than this.
I AM pretty certain that Sam would have clearance though. I doubt they’d really let him back into the public sector in all honesty.
Jennifer Mines9:05 PM
I know what happens next!!!!
Something horrible and stupid and CAMERA TUUUUUURN! YAY!
It doesn’t just turn. It also zooms in.
Sentinel is out of energon? Wait, that can happen?
I mean, isn’t that a fucking concern for the rest of the Autobots and Decepticons?
Or is just the Matrix of Leadership like a perpetual energon machine?
Jennifer Mines9:07 PM
whoa. That’s cinematography.
I like Sentinels face braids.
Prime exposition! SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE BRIDGE!
Teleportation! MUST BE FOR TERRORISM!
WMDs in our atmosphere! Paper work makes us human! POLITICAL COMMENTARY!
I am pretty sure you shouldn’t talk shit to giant robots. They have proven they will fuck your shit up.
Jonathan Cantrell9:09 PM
I may have to drive to NC some time just to sit in the room with you when you do this. It would be epic.
Commenter 19:09 PM
Part of the reason they couldn’t go to the moon, I think.
She has medals of valor and she’s a bureaucrat? I don’t get it.
Wait, now Carly knows he’s a hero? Fucksake this writing.
and she let Bumblebee and the Decepticon turncoats go home with him?
That seems like fucking terrible national security.
John Turturro is way, way fucking better than this.
Bill O’Reilly is still a fuckstain though.
Super Gay German Alan Tudyk is a fucking baller though.
I don’t get the addiction/relapse scene. Turturro was just on TV saying they should take sides in an alien war and published a book on this shit.
Fuck it, whatever. TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Cisco branding. I am sure that was worth our fucking dollars.
Commenter 19:14 PM
Alan Tudyk may be the best human character in the whole movie.
We’re robots on the moon!
The Decepticons are hiding something? What?
Cosmonauts went into hiding after manned moon mission? What the fuck? In America?
Wait, wasn’t Bumblebee there at night? Why is Carly fucking surprised he’s there now?
Oh she has a military brother and she’s mad now? She was just trying to fucking help him get a job wasn’t she?
She’s not ready for this! I feel ripping the stuffed rabbit was gratuitous.
Was she written by a febrile horny teenager? Oh right, Michael Bay’s fetish.
Remember that episode of Fringe with the Cosmonaut that could leave his body and give people cancer because he irradiated them in order to stay alive? Man, that was fucking creepy as shit and awesome.
Dutch is awesome.
I think one of those Russian is English. What?
They shouted and now it’s propaganda and guns pointed at him?
Dutch is fuckin’ baller.
Alan Tudyk is way better than this too. Even if he was in Dollhouse. Ok, maybe he’s not better than this.
Ok, so Decepticons had already been on the moon and hid the pillars? That means they had Sentinel because they raided the ship right?
I mean, what?
Ooooh only Optimus could revive him. So I guess only the matrix could do it? But the US military was just like “oh, his energon tank is at E”?
Oh shit, a Decepticon is a Xenomorph!
and one is Zuul.
What the fuck is with the slavering maws? Seriously?
Oooh now the persian autobot with scimitars wants to be Kratos.
Kratos is way too fucking good for this.
Oh shit, another Decepticon is a Predator!
Could you imagine if Sam Whitwicki was played by Will Smith instead?
Commenter 29:25 PM
Alan Tudyk was really the only thing I liked in that movie.
If this was the 90’s, he would have been.
Bumblebee is awesome too though.
Can someone sue Michael Bay for the robot designs though? I mean fucking seriously. This is pretty much just like an industrial punk version of these things.
Back to NEST, it’s ok, we can get there with a smash cut.
Commenter 29:27 PM
Yeah except they never let him talk. My laptop apparently is more advanced than his speech centers. Transformers make no fucking sense.
Well yes, there is that.
Decepticon punk? Fucking really? Class dismissed?
Rabbit Seagraves9:29 PM
The Decepticon is hot for teacher?
Commenter 29:29 PM
Now, that said, if they had just lost Sam and had the whole movie be the NEST(GIJoe better than the GIJoe movie) and Autobots killing some shit, I would have been much happier.
Sam gets a raw deal at the beginning. I think he’s a product of his environment really.
Ok, so Sentinel is evil and kills Ironhide? Why didn’t he take the Matrix of Leadership? That seems like it would have been a fucking baller plan.
Shotgun execution style.
Maybe I will write an article explaining why Sam Whitwicki is so fucked up.
Commenter 19:31 PM
Sam would have been fucking badass if his parents had died in the first movie. Also, Ironhide’s schtick is using the wrong saying. Every fucking time.
Ok, so autobots have like plasma weapons and shit right?
Why didn’t that get reverse engineered?
Seriously, why the fuck does NEST not have plasma cannons and like mega man suits?
Commenter 29:32 PM
Wait, is Sam fucked up or is society to blame? No wait, it is Michael Bay.
Holy fuck, imagine a world where power suits fight alongside Transformers!
Rentdownstairs9:32 PM (edited)Edit
Ironhide was killed for his shitty sayings, he played the ultimate price.
Commenter 29:32 PM
Transformers animated movie made some moves that way.
Optimus was like just chillin?
Where the fuck was OP?
Commenter 19:33 PM
Optimus Douchebag didn’t want autobot weapons going to irresponsible humans. That may be one of the few surviving things from the second movie.
His parents are truly terrible. I do like his mom being a kind of blunt motherfucker in his film though.
Is that what it was? The second fucking movie?
Shaky cam with the parents? How does that add fucking ANYTHING?
Deceptions actually do drool.
Ok, so the matrix and shit was like, just kind of there and chilling in the second film right? and in the first film too at the end if i recall?
Oh look, if it isn’t Bitch Prime, I mean Optimus. Man, Michael Bay done you dirty, son.
We’re robots on the moon! We carry laser harpoons!
We have robot dogs that leap into fog, and and teleport real soon.
Autobots were burried on the moon and the ship is now active? SO MUCH FOR THE MATRIX OF LEADERSHIP BEING THE ONLY SOURCE OF ENERGON!
I am pretty sure we just talked about that like ten seconds ago.
Commenter 29:38 PM
Laser harpoons are the most effective weapon system in the universe. Didn’t you know that?
If Sentinel was the leader on Cybertron, why didn’t he try and broker peace?
Commenter 39:38 PM
I love these so much.
I am pretty sure they could have just hugged it out.
Like a big, metal, sparky man hug.
Commenter 29:39 PM
With laser harpoons.
Patrick Dempsey with the NASA bomb. His dad in NASA taught him to join the winning side in an alien war? That seems really, really on point.
The Mercedes was a Decepticon? Also all the party goers are part of the conspiracy?
Wait, wait, wait. Other Decepticons worked a delicate plan to cancel the space program and create human agents, but left Megatron frozen underneath the hoover fucking damn?
It’s like other movies never existed, except Sam is the continuity.
This just all seems convoluted even for Michael Bay. The fetishism here is completely different than in 1 and 2 also.
Ok, they have Energon detectors too? HOW THE FUCK DID THE MISS THE GIANT CONSPIRACY THEN?
ALSO THE TINY PERV BOTS?
Ok, so Sentinel calls them rebels, so yes, the Autobots are rebelling against the legitimate authority?
The human agent reveal is kind of really fucking stupid, am I right?
If they detect energon, which it seems like they do, this seems dumb. Also, if humans can detect energon, why can’t the autobots?
Commenter 29:45 PM
The tech to detect energon involves torturing kittens. Autobots are just not down with that.
but the autobots won’t turn over the weaponry still? Ok, so the autobots can’t detect the enemy, except when they can based on the opening scenes of the movie? Because they detected that shit then right?
and the US gives into terrorism!
in seriously like 10 seconds.
Scottish people are assholes. Way to go Michael Bay.
Commenter 29:47 PM
About half way through I started wishing Unicron would show up kill everyone.
Wait wait wait, now they explain the space shuttle that they already fucking deployed earlier in the film?
So are there two ships? I guess so? didn’t the Autobots just like, show the fuck up in the first film though?
Do they need ships? They don’t fucking breathe. Starscream fucking flies.
Commenter 59:48 PM
they crashed to earth in the first film didn’t they?
They seriously re-energoned everything on the moon with no issue. So like, what’s the fucking deal? Sentinel wasn’t dead, his tank was just empty, but so was the ship on the moon and the army buried on the moon? This makes 0 fucking sense.
Right, but without a mass ship right?
Optimus is kind of a fucking pussy in this film. Wasn’t he like a goddamn murder machine in the first two films?
Commenter 59:50 PM
yah no ship for the crash landing. They were like meteors. Breathing or surviving in space isn’t the point though. I’m ok with the ship for efficiency.
Right, so they didn’t have a ship, and then another ship showed up later to transport. I guess my question is, fucking why? If you can just motherfucking hurdle through space right?
“A year from now, they will ask us, where were you when they took over the planet? And we will say, we just stood by and watched”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THAT DOESN’T ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION YOU ASKED!
Why does the ship need like, eight space shuttles? It seriously like just went to the goddamn moon to get Sentinel didn’t it?
Commenter 59:53 PM
I think hurdling across space is something you do when there’s no ship available. I can’t imagine that is choice A.
See look at that shit, Starscream just motherfucking chillin in space.
Oh hey, the location tags all of a sudden come back now? Random
The turn zooms haven’t gone away either.
So why was the girl kidnapped and Sam left to just do whatever?
And why is Sam asking Tyrese what his motives are? I mean, they are friends right?
It seems like the planning is fucking terrible.
They are shipping Cybertron here? What?
Also, why would Patrick Dempsey know the plan and how it works?
If you pull a planet into an atmosphere wouldn’t that just like, fuck everything?
I mean, I’m not an astrophysicist…but I did take a lot of courses.
Again with the Sam Raimi cuts.
And now there are robo-zeppelins? Why are they blowing everything up? This really makes no sense. Also, those robo-zeppelins match the description of the whales from the Plane of Fear in the Black Company series.
Seriously, why destroy everything? Didn’t they want all the humans to just do their bidding?
Ooooh, and now it’s like a post-apocalyptic movie?
and all the humans are fleeing?
William Kotas10:00 PM
Oh god, you’re into the final part of the film i.e. the scene that is stupid and yet never ends. Ever. God Speed Brave Soldier.
and now the US government is fighting back after totally rolling over in ten seconds before? This movie really makes no goddamn sense. The enemy is staging a perimeter? The enemy is shooting down drones? Don’t they have fucking robo-zeppelins?
I mean, these are mobile battlestations. I am pretty sure they could just roll the fuck on and fight in other places to allow Sentinel to just do whatever. Yes, I have like an hour left still =/
Yup, I see the goddamn robo-zeppelins.
Also other Decepticons like Starscream? Why wouldn’t everyone just scan a jet? I mean Starscream looks like a jet. Is this like a cultural/racial subset thing?
Also, why is Tyrese mad now? Didn’t they talk on the like, 12 hour drive?
Oh that Decepticon is like a harrier awesome tank guy. They should all be that.
Optimus has a shotgun and wants to kill everyone now?
Psyche I guess? Did anyone believe that Starscream aced them with like 6 missiles?
Optimus sacrificed Chicago for what purpose again?
Commenter 210:05 PM
Cause, he wanted to keep it from the insect spirits?
Why are the scots nascars? Why did I not notice that?
Really Sam you know where to look? MAYBE TRUMP TOWER? YOU THINK? It’s the only location they mentioned.
Oh wait, the helicarrier thingy was a ship that also transformed? So it was a transformer inside a transformer? So you can transform while you transform?
Does that mean the robot was like having sex?
Megatron promised to rebuild Cybertron? That was their plan? What the fuck? This makes really even less sense now.
Seriously, these two guys were leading the fucking war. They could have solved that shit.
How did the robot vulture not notice the helicarrier?
It literally flew right over it.
Commenter 210:09 PM
Robots not programmed for love and peace or apparently long term planning or observational skills.
and how does it not just pierce human flesh? It seems like it should just punch through bone and sinew right?
but it makes Bumblebee crash?
Yes, raise the bridges, because no one scans fucking airplanes.
Can’t they just scan whatever? This is fucking retarded.
Commenter 210:10 PM
Also, why teleport down, when they have folks on the moon. Why not bombard from the moon till the people all gave up.
Wait, the US government didn’t know Chicago was fucking annihilated? This movie really does seem kind of anti-government.
Why bombard anyone? The US government already gave up.
Oh right, it was explicitly mentioned Obama was president. I get it now.
You know Optimus, if the humans had plasma cannons, this shit wouldn’t happen.
Also, is the rest of the world horrified at the US? I’d like to see that talked about. I mean, we have giant fucking robots on our side.
Commenter 210:12 PM
They had fucking rail guns in the last film, why are they not using those on decepticons.
See look at that shit. Shockwave is giant as a SAND WORM!
Did they? What the fuck then!
Shockwave is a serious fucking problem for these guys then right?
Really, inventor Q with Boomsticks?
Why are the autobots just firing bullets? Optimus has a fucking fire laser sword.
They had lasers that cut through shit. What the fuck is this horse shit?
ALL THE TURN ZOOMS
Ok, weren’t all the military ships being shot down already? They can just fly in now? I mean, I guess that’s cool?
Oh god, the turn zooms. I am kind of getting motion sick now.
The cinematography in this film is flat out awful. The styles clash, the transitions are non-existant or jarring. The use of effects undercut any sort of tension at all. Ugh.
Now the decepticons are shooting things down left and right, and they are deciding to single hunt down the flying squirrel soldiers? This seems very inefficient.
There were seriously giant hover ships that flew over the open bay and made it fine.
The wasted scenes here are causing me pain. Sam has to give a guy a pep talk, interspersed with a building collapsing and then then nothing happens and the building collapses more?
The robots are hunting like a horror movie now? What kind of shitty tech do these things have really? Why not just collapse the building the rest of the way?
Why not just bomb the piss out of it? Why are they using conventional weapons again? Is this an energon problem again?
Slo mo! I haven’t talked about this, but what the fuck is going on with it? That really is just masturbatory.
Shockwave is fucking giant. I don’t get why he was tiny in his normal form.
I also don’t get how the cyclop-bot didn’t notice the building collapsing. Why use Shockwave to do this?
Tyrese asks a valid question, Why do the Decepticons always get the good shit?
Answer: Optimus Prime is a paranoid dick.
Wasn’t this scene in that transformers rip off that’s korean or whatever? With like a dragon worm robot thing destroying a giant glass building? Stealing from a thief?
Also, I guess this was just reskinned for Avengers right?
Ok, now Optimus is flying around, but he had to have special tech to do it? SCAN A FUCKING PLANE SON
Is Shockwave a super bad ass in the mythos?
Ok, so more pillars are around the world and transformers have hive mind?
I thought the pillars were hidden on the moon?
The pillars were still on Cybertron too then? Is that part of this? Isn’t it pillar to pillar bridging tech?
Decepticons really do fucking slobber. Fucksake.
Sam got like a power armor grappling thing. It was made for humans, uhhhh what?
The turn zooms, jesus archibald christ.
Sam kills Starscream? Starscream can’t get a fucking bomb out of his eye? What. The. Fuck.
You have to be fucking me.
This film needs to buy me dinner first and a cigarette for afters.
Oh the two perv bots are in a robo-zeppelin. I am sure that won’t be Goldblumian shenanigans.
The military is flying in more shit? I feel that this is kind of retarded and super inconsistent.
Hahahaahahahahaaha the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few? FUCKING REALLY? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Dutch the super hacker gay ninja.
Commenter 110:32 PM
Shockwave was the guy left in charge of Cybertron. As badass as Megatron, but not quite so much of a megalomaniac.
So the Decepticons rule Cybertron then? They won?
Why don’t the Decepticons have any branding or color?
The humans have to tell the Decepticons to kill? What?
Oh no? Q died? I guess?
Optimus is a super shitty leader.
Oh look, perv bot hijinks.
Jeff Goldblum lives on in pervy robot form.
Wait, Goldblum isn’t dead?
Why are all the robots talking about nice runs?
This scene goes on for fucking ever. It’s a third of the fucking film. Fuck my life.
It’s not really one scene, but it is one arc. It’s really just one continuous action piece that’s not very good.
Good ol’ US military sniping Decepticons now and murdering bots left and right. I don’t understand what’s happening and why this wasn’t happening way earlier then?
OOOOOH. They just needed a military issue parachute in order to take them out.
Decepticons are kind of like T-Rexes I guess. Do seriously goddamn anything to their faces and they just lose.
Commenter 410:39 PM
And this is why this movie is pre-loaded for free on the Nexus 7: no one in their right mind would pay good money for it at the point.
So Cybertron has shown up, the atmosphere didn’t ignite, it didn’t fall apart or change, everyone isn’t dead and horrible sea catastrophes aren’t occurring? What the fuck?
Oh hey Optimus, glad of you to show the fuck up?
I’d be pissed they took up space on the Nexus 7 for this.
Optimus has fire plasma weapons that slice through metal and armor and shit, except on Sentinel I guess?
Zoom zoom zoom.
Those robo-zeppelins are kind of fucking useless right? They were going around assaulting shit before, but now they are just doing nothing.
Oh shit, Optimus took a plasma arrow to the knee!
Sentinel is kind of a crappy leader too. He could have the matrix.
Hey, there’s Michael Bay’s fetish again.
Ok, so Cybertron was just hanging there outside the atmosphere that time? It was outside the environment?
Conniving Carly, calling Megatron a bitch.
Good thing the US military can fuck up Sentinel with like, normal guns?
Why are Optimus’s weapons so shitty now and Sentinel just slices his arm?
Megatron chooses right then to intervene? He also looks way bigger than Sentinel now and he wasn’t before.
Bumblebee knows what’s up. Just knock that shit over guys, jesus.
Wait, a bridge reversal that time causes a vortex? It didn’t before.
Oh, now Megatron wants peace? Optimus just face raped him. Wow.
Optimus just shot gun murdered Sentinel? What?
I guess Optimus really was just a murderous thug. That’s how he’s presented throughout if you look at it.
Slo-mo pan zooms abound!
Optimus Prime, talking about having to murder all the humans. Fucking wow.
That’s how the movie ends? With Optimus being like, fuck you guys, this is our planet now?
$1B net you say? Fuck my life.
So end another Live Review session. Perhaps the most depressing session yet. Final verdict? 3 frowny faces. It’s not Eyes Wide Shut or Audition, but fucksake.