Film

Live Reviews: Transformers 3

Each week I have been picking a film on Netflix that I expect to be bad and reviewing it. At the behest of a friend, I decided to jump in and give Transformers 3 a shot. At the urging of another friend, I am posting it here. God save us all.

Rentdownstairs
8:06 PM – Limited
#Gpluslivereviews Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Netflix says: The third installment in Michael Bay’s trilogy travels back to 1969’s historic moon landing, when Neil Armstrong and his Apollo 11 cohorts touch down in the Sea of Tranquility…and discover what appears to be a downed Transformers craft.

Netflix believes I will give this 0 faces. Let’s find out!

Ok, before we begin I need to point out two things:
1) ’69 moon landing heh heh heh
2) Doesn’t this short blurb already invalidate the first fucking movie?
Hide comments

Rentdownstairs8:07 PMEdit
One other Netflix gem.

This movie is: Exciting

Thanks Netflix.

Rentdownstairs8:07 PMEdit
+5
I still like the Transformers sound effect during the studio splash. Shut up haters.

Rentdownstairs8:08 PMEdit
Ok, so the Decepticons are the legitimate rulers or the vocal majority?

Rentdownstairs8:09 PMEdit
I mean, there were more of them, and they had better arms right? Are the Autobots rebels? They said Freedom Fighters. Is this rhetoric?

Rentdownstairs8:09 PMEdit
+1
MACHINES USING MACHINES TO FIGHT!

Rentdownstairs8:10 PMEdit
The Michael Bay setting splashes are all in my face. Christopher Nolan didn’t do that when they skipped time even.

Rentdownstairs8:10 PMEdit
+1
CGI JFK will be in my nightmares.

Rentdownstairs8:11 PMEdit
In all honesty, I like alternate history though. I mean, robots crashing on the moon to prompt the space program seems pretty cool as a single sentence idea.

Rentdownstairs8:11 PMEdit
Do we need quite so much moon landing though? I mean, it’s like five minutes of real footage and then splicing of actors recreating live footage?

Rentdownstairs8:12 PMEdit
Still going, fuck you Michael Bay. Can we get a goddamn editor?

Rentdownstairs8:13 PMEdit
Start with the landing and the downed ship. I JUST SAVED YOU TEN MINUTES MOTHERFUCKER.

Rentdownstairs8:14 PMEdit
Ohnoes! A giant metal face! It gave a guy the vapors.

Rentdownstairs8:14 PMEdit
Too big to check the ship, but everything is dead in here.

Rentdownstairs8:14 PMEdit
The Turn/Zoom pans can seriously eat my shit.

Rentdownstairs8:15 PMEdit
WE DON’T NEED MORE REAL FOOTAGE. Fuckin’ A. This is practically masturbatory.

Rentdownstairs8:15 PMEdit
TUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Rentdownstairs8:15 PMEdit
aaaand x-ray smash to credits

Rentdownstairs8:16 PMEdit
+2
Body part of a lady before the name or face! SHOT!

Rentdownstairs8:16 PMEdit
Did Sam Whitwicki make a deal with the devil? Whitwicki and the Devil.

Rentdownstairs8:17 PMEdit
Seriously, this fuckin’ guy.

Rentdownstairs8:18 PMEdit
The government paid for his college, gave him a medal and introduced him to a hot foreign chick. BOO FUCKIN HOO. Though really, why wouldn’t he have a job with them though?

Rentdownstairs8:18 PMEdit
Oh yay, the parents are coming…

Rentdownstairs8:18 PMEdit
Perv bot! I missed ya buddy!

Rentdownstairs8:19 PMEdit
What the fuck is that about though? Horny robots?

Commenter 18:19 PM
I think he got a thing for blondes after the decepti-blonde in the second movie.

Rentdownstairs8:19 PMEdit
Sam or Perv Bot?

Rentdownstairs8:20 PMEdit
Decepti-blonde was fucking weird looking.

Commenter 18:20 PM
Sam.

Rentdownstairs8:20 PMEdit
Oh Jersey Bot.

Rentdownstairs8:20 PMEdit
Why aren’t these guys with the government?

Rentdownstairs8:21 PMEdit
+2
Oh, Jersey EXPOSITION bot.

Rentdownstairs8:21 PMEdit
I don’t get it. Why aren’t they with the government? I might get hung up on this. Political refugees? It makes no sense.

Rentdownstairs8:21 PMEdit
OH YAY! THE PARENTS!

Rentdownstairs8:22 PMEdit
Oh parental disappointment. TOO BAD YOU SAVED THE WORLD TWICE AND GOT A MEDAL, YOU ARE LETTING ME DOWN.

Rentdownstairs8:22 PMEdit
Mom with a good zinger.

Rentdownstairs8:22 PMEdit
Wait, now we get a voice over?

Rentdownstairs8:23 PMEdit
Terrorists! Oh, and like a persian dervish autobot? I mean, that’s cool?

Rentdownstairs8:24 PMEdit
TUUUUUUUUUUURN ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Rentdownstairs8:25 PMEdit
I like the Ukranian dude. He’s kind of a baller. I don’t hate Josh Duhmel either. Whatever.

Rentdownstairs8:25 PMEdit
Turn zoom in a fucking school interior shot? Fuck my life.

Rentdownstairs8:25 PMEdit
+1
The radiation of Chernobyl only allows for turn zooms and shaky cam. Little known side effect.

Rentdownstairs8:26 PMEdit
Oh shit, SAND WORM!

Rentdownstairs8:26 PMEdit
+1
Walk with out rhythm guys! WALK WITHOUT RHYTHM!

Rentdownstairs8:26 PMEdit
It sounds like the cloverfield monster.

Rentdownstairs8:27 PMEdit
Man I love Cloverfield. Seriously.

Rentdownstairs8:27 PMEdit
Oh shit, Optimus Prime has a mobile armory that looks like a Stargate!

Rentdownstairs8:27 PMEdit
And a fire sword!

Rentdownstairs8:28 PMEdit
The action has got less hectic at least.

Rentdownstairs8:28 PMEdit
+1
OPTIMUS “EXPOSITION” PRIME

Rentdownstairs8:28 PMEdit
Oh no, a metal vulture!

Rentdownstairs8:29 PMEdit
You remember when robots used to speak in metalese or whatever and then it translated?

Rentdownstairs8:29 PMEdit
Sam’s dad causes his problems I think.

Rentdownstairs8:29 PMEdit
His dad is a dick.

Rentdownstairs8:29 PMEdit
ASIAN COLONEL SANDERS!

Rentdownstairs8:30 PMEdit
Oh politics. “We’re a republican office. FUCK YO OBAMA MEDAL! LIBERAL FUCK!”

Rentdownstairs8:30 PMEdit
+1
John Malkovich. You are fucking better than this. Why are you on the set of Mad Men? I think that office is from Mad Men right?

Rentdownstairs8:31 PMEdit
The suit is, that’s for fucking sure.

Rentdownstairs8:31 PMEdit
Take charge viking barbarian. I am going to use that phrase a lot.

Rentdownstairs8:32 PMEdit
I kind of think that the role of John Malkovich was written for Danny McBride. I want to imagine a world where that happened.

Rentdownstairs8:32 PMEdit
+1
Hey, it’s Jeff from Chuck!

Rentdownstairs8:32 PMEdit
I actually do feel bad for Sam here a little.

Rentdownstairs8:32 PMEdit
John Malkovich is way better than this though.

Rentdownstairs8:32 PMEdit
Shia Lebouf is probably not.

Rentdownstairs8:33 PMEdit
His penis was in a music video though where he was an abusive drug addict. How did we not talk about that?

Rentdownstairs8:33 PMEdit
Probably because we got sick from all the turn zooms.

Rentdownstairs9:04 PM (edited)Edit
Frances McDormand? She’s way better than this.

Rentdownstairs8:33 PMEdit
You were in fucking Fargo!

Rentdownstairs8:34 PMEdit
You don’t need this pay check.

Rentdownstairs8:35 PM (edited)Edit
Wait, why the fuck did John Turturro do these films? I know he didn’t need this money.

Rentdownstairs8:35 PMEdit
Oh, I have an internet hang up.

Rentdownstairs8:36 PMEdit
Not like a HANG UP, but like a connectivity issue

Rentdownstairs8:37 PMEdit
+1
An autobot named Q that’s the gadget guy? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Rentdownstairs8:37 PMEdit
Can Ian Fleming’s estate sue?

Rentdownstairs8:37 PMEdit
+1
Optimus Prime, u mad bro?

Rentdownstairs8:37 PMEdit
+2
Ya, u mad.

Rentdownstairs8:38 PMEdit
It’s real astronauts!

Rentdownstairs8:38 PMEdit
I am pretty sure this movie invalidates the other two movies right?

Rentdownstairs8:38 PMEdit
Oh, Frances says “It was locked away in Sector 7, we never knew”

Rentdownstairs8:38 PMEdit
Wasn’t Sector 7 the entity in the first film though?

Rentdownstairs8:39 PMEdit
I mean, it’s like 4 hours guys, can you not rewatch to get consistency?

Rentdownstairs8:39 PMEdit
I like the Chernobyl shit though, kind of neat.

Rentdownstairs8:39 PMEdit
The Ark? Fucking really?

Rentdownstairs8:39 PMEdit
Wait, the Decepticons lead them there right? To Chernobyl?

Rentdownstairs8:40 PMEdit
I mean, if they knew that was there, why didn’t they just go to the fucking moon? Now OP is in a hurry?

Rentdownstairs8:40 PMEdit
The all white sets? I really think they raided Mad Men

Rentdownstairs8:40 PMEdit
Oh hey, it’s Patrick Dempsey! You handsome motherfucker!

Rentdownstairs8:41 PMEdit
You are better than this movie too! You were in uhhh, umm, errr…nevermind bro, carry on.

Rentdownstairs8:41 PMEdit
Carly went from the White House to a private collection curator?

Rentdownstairs8:42 PMEdit
Woooooow. Michael Bay, your fetish is showing.

Rentdownstairs8:43 PMEdit
The Duchess, and let me talk about this car, look at the curves, elegant, beautiful, sensual, meant to evoke the ideal woman. TOO BAD YOU NEVER SHOWED THE CAR AND JUST CRAWLED UP THE WOMAN.

Rentdownstairs8:43 PMEdit
I like Sam’s Rage Face. I want that as my icon.

Rentdownstairs8:43 PMEdit
I really do feel bad for Sam Whitwicki so far. Poor fucking guy.

Rentdownstairs8:44 PMEdit
He’s flipping out a good bit right now though, I feel less sorry.

Rentdownstairs8:45 PMEdit
Dillon McDouchebag is Patrick Dempsey’s character right?

Rentdownstairs8:45 PMEdit
ALL THE TURN ZOOMS!

Rentdownstairs8:45 PMEdit
+1
We’re robots on the moon. We carry laser harpoons.

Rentdownstairs8:45 PMEdit
We weld the ship, while the camera flips, and sing our autobot tunes.

Rentdownstairs8:46 PMEdit
Shit just floats on the moon?

Rentdownstairs8:46 PMEdit
and a smash cut to the Serengeti without the Michael Bay spoiler tag?

Rentdownstairs8:46 PMEdit
The inconsistency in which the tags are used is really bothering me. It was every fucking scene at the beginning.

Rentdownstairs8:47 PMEdit
+1
OH SHIT MEGATRON IS THE DARK WANDERER FROM DIABLO!

Rentdownstairs8:47 PMEdit
+1
So is this political commentary? Megatron is an African Warlord?

Rentdownstairs8:48 PMEdit
Why is soundwave so small when the SAND WORM was fucking giant?

Rentdownstairs8:48 PMEdit
Also, this really was a Decepticon plot? Why couldn’t they just go to the moon?

Rentdownstairs8:49 PMEdit
Oh god, the vulture scene is fucking terrible. It’s like a two-cut horror film? Sam Raimi should have directed this series.

Rentdownstairs8:49 PMEdit
Hoochie momma latin melt down? That’s pretty fucking racist.

Rentdownstairs8:49 PMEdit
Michael Bay, that fetish is showing, a random cut to an upskirt scene?

Rentdownstairs8:50 PMEdit
Everything is white and art deco. What the fuck?

Rentdownstairs8:50 PMEdit
Ken Jeong is a fantastic creeper though.

Rentdownstairs8:51 PMEdit
+1
The product placement, it burns!

Rentdownstairs8:51 PMEdit
Carly gets a nickname. Condescending Carly, or perhaps Conniving Carly.

Rentdownstairs8:52 PMEdit
+1
Fucking for real? Scenes of people staring at her ass, with her parting shot of “See ya boys!” Also, let’s not gloss over the whole fucking “oh yeah my boss just gave me $200,000 car and I don’t think anything is wrong with that”

Rentdownstairs8:53 PMEdit
Ken Jeong is pretty awesome in this. The Pee-Wee Herman suit with the amped up crazy.

Paul Goodwin8:53 PM
+1
Wow. It sounds like it was everything I imagined, and more…and somehow LESS…

Rentdownstairs8:53 PMEdit
Deep Wang? I’m talking code. With two men in the bathroom stall.

Rentdownstairs8:54 PMEdit
Ken Jeong is really killing it.

Rentdownstairs8:54 PMEdit
And Sam decides to take the crotch paper clippings and crazy writings?

Rentdownstairs8:55 PMEdit
Why does the Vulture Bot has a gross liquid maw?

Rentdownstairs8:56 PMEdit
And the Sam Raimi horror cuts again? What the fuck is going on with this movie?

Rentdownstairs8:57 PMEdit
John Malkovich is way better than this.

Rentdownstairs8:57 PMEdit
“The Japanese never make it easy!” Way to be racist again.

Rentdownstairs8:57 PMEdit
The Turn Zooms!

Rentdownstairs8:58 PMEdit
Condescending Carly! Don’t be upset Sam, I am sure you were not attacked by robots, despite the fact that I know you got a medal for it!

Rentdownstairs8:58 PMEdit
Sam’s Rage Face is hilarious!

Rentdownstairs8:59 PMEdit
Wait, Carly has seen the tiny robots right? Why the fuck is she incredulous?

Rentdownstairs8:59 PMEdit
Why are the guards being dicks to Sam after the robots have shown up?

Rentdownstairs8:59 PMEdit
Wait, Bumblebee is freaking out Carly now? Confused Carly?

Rentdownstairs9:00 PMEdit
To be fair to Sam here, I might be a big ol’ dick if I was rolling with at giant robot. Allow it.

Rentdownstairs9:00 PMEdit
The Turn Zooms!

Rentdownstairs9:00 PMEdit
I’LL SEE YOU ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOOOOON!

Rentdownstairs9:01 PMEdit
“Why would the Decepticons want to kill humans?” Are you fucking kidding me here?

Rentdownstairs9:01 PMEdit
Seriously, after the last two fucking films?

Rentdownstairs9:01 PMEdit
Sentinel was the Einstein, so we better keep him locked up?

Rentdownstairs9:02 PMEdit
Fuck my life, I still have 1:45 left of this fucking movie? This is the same length as Dark Knight Rises?

Rentdownstairs9:03 PMEdit
That’s when he made his first Crypto-Time report? What?

Rentdownstairs9:04 PM (edited)Edit
Frances McDormand, you are waaaaay better than this.

Rentdownstairs9:05 PMEdit
I AM pretty certain that Sam would have clearance though. I doubt they’d really let him back into the public sector in all honesty.

Jennifer Mines9:05 PM
I know what happens next!!!!
Something horrible and stupid and CAMERA TUUUUUURN! YAY!

Rentdownstairs9:06 PMEdit
It doesn’t just turn. It also zooms in.

Rentdownstairs9:06 PMEdit
Sentinel is out of energon? Wait, that can happen?

Rentdownstairs9:06 PMEdit
I mean, isn’t that a fucking concern for the rest of the Autobots and Decepticons?

Rentdownstairs9:07 PMEdit
Or is just the Matrix of Leadership like a perpetual energon machine?

Jennifer Mines9:07 PM
whoa. That’s cinematography.

Rentdownstairs9:07 PMEdit
I like Sentinels face braids.

Rentdownstairs9:07 PMEdit
Prime exposition! SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE BRIDGE!

Rentdownstairs9:08 PMEdit
+1
Teleportation! MUST BE FOR TERRORISM!

Rentdownstairs9:08 PMEdit
WMDs in our atmosphere! Paper work makes us human! POLITICAL COMMENTARY!

Rentdownstairs9:08 PMEdit
I am pretty sure you shouldn’t talk shit to giant robots. They have proven they will fuck your shit up.

Jonathan Cantrell9:09 PM
+3
I may have to drive to NC some time just to sit in the room with you when you do this. It would be epic.

Commenter 19:09 PM
Part of the reason they couldn’t go to the moon, I think.

Rentdownstairs9:09 PMEdit
She has medals of valor and she’s a bureaucrat? I don’t get it.

Rentdownstairs9:10 PMEdit
Wait, now Carly knows he’s a hero? Fucksake this writing.

Rentdownstairs9:10 PMEdit
and she let Bumblebee and the Decepticon turncoats go home with him?

Rentdownstairs9:11 PMEdit
That seems like fucking terrible national security.

Rentdownstairs9:11 PMEdit
+1
John Turturro is way, way fucking better than this.

Rentdownstairs9:12 PMEdit
Bill O’Reilly is still a fuckstain though.

Rentdownstairs9:12 PMEdit
+1
Super Gay German Alan Tudyk is a fucking baller though.

Rentdownstairs9:13 PMEdit
I don’t get the addiction/relapse scene. Turturro was just on TV saying they should take sides in an alien war and published a book on this shit.

Rentdownstairs9:13 PMEdit
Fuck it, whatever. TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Rentdownstairs9:14 PMEdit
+1
Cisco branding. I am sure that was worth our fucking dollars.

Commenter 19:14 PM
Alan Tudyk may be the best human character in the whole movie.

Rentdownstairs9:15 PMEdit
We’re robots on the moon!

Rentdownstairs9:15 PMEdit
The Decepticons are hiding something? What?

Rentdownstairs9:16 PMEdit
Cosmonauts went into hiding after manned moon mission? What the fuck? In America?

Rentdownstairs9:16 PMEdit
Wait, wasn’t Bumblebee there at night? Why is Carly fucking surprised he’s there now?

Rentdownstairs9:17 PMEdit
Oh she has a military brother and she’s mad now? She was just trying to fucking help him get a job wasn’t she?

Rentdownstairs9:18 PMEdit
She’s not ready for this! I feel ripping the stuffed rabbit was gratuitous.

Rentdownstairs9:18 PMEdit
Was she written by a febrile horny teenager? Oh right, Michael Bay’s fetish.

Rentdownstairs9:19 PMEdit
Remember that episode of Fringe with the Cosmonaut that could leave his body and give people cancer because he irradiated them in order to stay alive? Man, that was fucking creepy as shit and awesome.

Rentdownstairs9:20 PMEdit
Dutch is awesome.

Rentdownstairs9:20 PMEdit
I think one of those Russian is English. What?

Rentdownstairs9:20 PMEdit
They shouted and now it’s propaganda and guns pointed at him?

Rentdownstairs9:21 PMEdit
Dutch is fuckin’ baller.

Rentdownstairs9:21 PMEdit
Alan Tudyk is way better than this too. Even if he was in Dollhouse. Ok, maybe he’s not better than this.

Rentdownstairs9:22 PMEdit
Ok, so Decepticons had already been on the moon and hid the pillars? That means they had Sentinel because they raided the ship right?

Rentdownstairs9:23 PMEdit
I mean, what?

Rentdownstairs9:24 PMEdit
Ooooh only Optimus could revive him. So I guess only the matrix could do it? But the US military was just like “oh, his energon tank is at E”?

Rentdownstairs9:24 PMEdit
Oh shit, a Decepticon is a Xenomorph!

Rentdownstairs9:24 PMEdit
and one is Zuul.

Rentdownstairs9:24 PMEdit
What the fuck is with the slavering maws? Seriously?

Rentdownstairs9:25 PMEdit
Oooh now the persian autobot with scimitars wants to be Kratos.

Rentdownstairs9:25 PMEdit
Kratos is way too fucking good for this.

Rentdownstairs9:25 PMEdit
Oh shit, another Decepticon is a Predator!

Rentdownstairs9:25 PMEdit
+1
Could you imagine if Sam Whitwicki was played by Will Smith instead?

Commenter 29:25 PM
Alan Tudyk was really the only thing I liked in that movie.

Rentdownstairs9:25 PMEdit
If this was the 90’s, he would have been.

Rentdownstairs9:26 PMEdit
Bumblebee is awesome too though.

Rentdownstairs9:27 PMEdit
Can someone sue Michael Bay for the robot designs though? I mean fucking seriously. This is pretty much just like an industrial punk version of these things.

Rentdownstairs9:27 PMEdit
Back to NEST, it’s ok, we can get there with a smash cut.

Commenter 29:27 PM
+1
Yeah except they never let him talk. My laptop apparently is more advanced than his speech centers. Transformers make no fucking sense.

Rentdownstairs9:28 PMEdit
Well yes, there is that.

Rentdownstairs9:28 PMEdit
Decepticon punk? Fucking really? Class dismissed?

Rabbit Seagraves9:29 PM
The Decepticon is hot for teacher?

Commenter 29:29 PM
Now, that said, if they had just lost Sam and had the whole movie be the NEST(GIJoe better than the GIJoe movie) and Autobots killing some shit, I would have been much happier.

Rentdownstairs9:29 PMEdit
Sam gets a raw deal at the beginning. I think he’s a product of his environment really.

Rentdownstairs9:30 PMEdit
Ok, so Sentinel is evil and kills Ironhide? Why didn’t he take the Matrix of Leadership? That seems like it would have been a fucking baller plan.

Rentdownstairs9:30 PMEdit
Shotgun execution style.

Rentdownstairs9:31 PMEdit
Maybe I will write an article explaining why Sam Whitwicki is so fucked up.

Commenter 19:31 PM
Sam would have been fucking badass if his parents had died in the first movie. Also, Ironhide’s schtick is using the wrong saying. Every fucking time.

Rentdownstairs9:31 PMEdit
Ok, so autobots have like plasma weapons and shit right?

Rentdownstairs9:31 PMEdit
Why didn’t that get reverse engineered?

Rentdownstairs9:32 PMEdit
+1
Seriously, why the fuck does NEST not have plasma cannons and like mega man suits?

Commenter 29:32 PM
Wait, is Sam fucked up or is society to blame? No wait, it is Michael Bay.

Rentdownstairs9:32 PMEdit
Holy fuck, imagine a world where power suits fight alongside Transformers!

Rentdownstairs9:32 PM (edited)Edit
Ironhide was killed for his shitty sayings, he played the ultimate price.

Commenter 29:32 PM
Transformers animated movie made some moves that way.

Rentdownstairs9:33 PMEdit
Optimus was like just chillin?

Rentdownstairs9:33 PMEdit
Where the fuck was OP?

Commenter 19:33 PM
Optimus Douchebag didn’t want autobot weapons going to irresponsible humans. That may be one of the few surviving things from the second movie.

Rentdownstairs9:34 PMEdit
His parents are truly terrible. I do like his mom being a kind of blunt motherfucker in his film though.

Rentdownstairs9:34 PMEdit
Is that what it was? The second fucking movie?

Rentdownstairs9:34 PMEdit
Shaky cam with the parents? How does that add fucking ANYTHING?

Rentdownstairs9:35 PMEdit
Deceptions actually do drool.

Rentdownstairs9:35 PMEdit
Ok, so the matrix and shit was like, just kind of there and chilling in the second film right? and in the first film too at the end if i recall?

Rentdownstairs9:36 PMEdit
Oh look, if it isn’t Bitch Prime, I mean Optimus. Man, Michael Bay done you dirty, son.

Rentdownstairs9:36 PMEdit
+1
We’re robots on the moon! We carry laser harpoons!

Rentdownstairs9:36 PMEdit
We have robot dogs that leap into fog, and and teleport real soon.

Rentdownstairs9:37 PMEdit
Autobots were burried on the moon and the ship is now active? SO MUCH FOR THE MATRIX OF LEADERSHIP BEING THE ONLY SOURCE OF ENERGON!

Rentdownstairs9:37 PMEdit
I am pretty sure we just talked about that like ten seconds ago.

Commenter 29:38 PM
+1
Laser harpoons are the most effective weapon system in the universe. Didn’t you know that?

Rentdownstairs9:38 PMEdit
If Sentinel was the leader on Cybertron, why didn’t he try and broker peace?

Commenter 39:38 PM
I love these so much.

Rentdownstairs9:38 PMEdit
I am pretty sure they could have just hugged it out.

Rentdownstairs9:38 PMEdit
+1
Like a big, metal, sparky man hug.

Commenter 29:39 PM
With laser harpoons.

Rentdownstairs9:39 PMEdit
Patrick Dempsey with the NASA bomb. His dad in NASA taught him to join the winning side in an alien war? That seems really, really on point.

Rentdownstairs9:40 PMEdit
The Mercedes was a Decepticon? Also all the party goers are part of the conspiracy?

Rentdownstairs9:40 PMEdit
Wait, wait, wait. Other Decepticons worked a delicate plan to cancel the space program and create human agents, but left Megatron frozen underneath the hoover fucking damn?

Rentdownstairs9:41 PMEdit
It’s like other movies never existed, except Sam is the continuity.

Rentdownstairs9:42 PMEdit
This just all seems convoluted even for Michael Bay. The fetishism here is completely different than in 1 and 2 also.

Rentdownstairs9:42 PMEdit
Ok, they have Energon detectors too? HOW THE FUCK DID THE MISS THE GIANT CONSPIRACY THEN?

Rentdownstairs9:42 PMEdit
ALSO THE TINY PERV BOTS?

Rentdownstairs9:43 PMEdit
Ok, so Sentinel calls them rebels, so yes, the Autobots are rebelling against the legitimate authority?

Rentdownstairs9:43 PMEdit
The human agent reveal is kind of really fucking stupid, am I right?

Rentdownstairs9:44 PMEdit
If they detect energon, which it seems like they do, this seems dumb. Also, if humans can detect energon, why can’t the autobots?

Commenter 29:45 PM
The tech to detect energon involves torturing kittens. Autobots are just not down with that.

Rentdownstairs9:45 PMEdit
but the autobots won’t turn over the weaponry still? Ok, so the autobots can’t detect the enemy, except when they can based on the opening scenes of the movie? Because they detected that shit then right?

Rentdownstairs9:46 PMEdit
and the US gives into terrorism!

Rentdownstairs9:46 PMEdit
in seriously like 10 seconds.

Rentdownstairs9:46 PMEdit
Scottish people are assholes. Way to go Michael Bay.

Commenter 29:47 PM
+1
About half way through I started wishing Unicron would show up kill everyone.

Rentdownstairs9:47 PMEdit
Wait wait wait, now they explain the space shuttle that they already fucking deployed earlier in the film?

Rentdownstairs9:47 PMEdit
So are there two ships? I guess so? didn’t the Autobots just like, show the fuck up in the first film though?

Rentdownstairs9:47 PMEdit
Do they need ships? They don’t fucking breathe. Starscream fucking flies.

Commenter 59:48 PM
they crashed to earth in the first film didn’t they?

Rentdownstairs9:48 PMEdit
They seriously re-energoned everything on the moon with no issue. So like, what’s the fucking deal? Sentinel wasn’t dead, his tank was just empty, but so was the ship on the moon and the army buried on the moon? This makes 0 fucking sense.

Rentdownstairs9:49 PMEdit
Right, but without a mass ship right?

Rentdownstairs9:49 PMEdit
Optimus is kind of a fucking pussy in this film. Wasn’t he like a goddamn murder machine in the first two films?

Commenter 59:50 PM
yah no ship for the crash landing. They were like meteors. Breathing or surviving in space isn’t the point though. I’m ok with the ship for efficiency.

Rentdownstairs9:51 PMEdit
Right, so they didn’t have a ship, and then another ship showed up later to transport. I guess my question is, fucking why? If you can just motherfucking hurdle through space right?

Rentdownstairs9:53 PMEdit
“A year from now, they will ask us, where were you when they took over the planet? And we will say, we just stood by and watched”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THAT DOESN’T ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION YOU ASKED!

Rentdownstairs9:53 PMEdit
Why does the ship need like, eight space shuttles? It seriously like just went to the goddamn moon to get Sentinel didn’t it?

Commenter 59:53 PM
I think hurdling across space is something you do when there’s no ship available. I can’t imagine that is choice A.

Rentdownstairs9:53 PMEdit
+1
See look at that shit, Starscream just motherfucking chillin in space.

Rentdownstairs9:54 PMEdit
Oh hey, the location tags all of a sudden come back now? Random

Rentdownstairs9:55 PMEdit
The turn zooms haven’t gone away either.

Rentdownstairs9:55 PMEdit
So why was the girl kidnapped and Sam left to just do whatever?

Rentdownstairs9:56 PMEdit
And why is Sam asking Tyrese what his motives are? I mean, they are friends right?

Rentdownstairs9:56 PMEdit
It seems like the planning is fucking terrible.

Rentdownstairs9:56 PMEdit
They are shipping Cybertron here? What?

Rentdownstairs9:57 PMEdit
Also, why would Patrick Dempsey know the plan and how it works?

Rentdownstairs9:57 PMEdit
+2
If you pull a planet into an atmosphere wouldn’t that just like, fuck everything?

Rentdownstairs9:57 PMEdit
I mean, I’m not an astrophysicist…but I did take a lot of courses.

Rentdownstairs9:58 PMEdit
Again with the Sam Raimi cuts.

Rentdownstairs9:59 PMEdit
And now there are robo-zeppelins? Why are they blowing everything up? This really makes no sense. Also, those robo-zeppelins match the description of the whales from the Plane of Fear in the Black Company series.

Rentdownstairs9:59 PMEdit
Seriously, why destroy everything? Didn’t they want all the humans to just do their bidding?

Rentdownstairs9:59 PMEdit
Ooooh, and now it’s like a post-apocalyptic movie?

Rentdownstairs9:59 PMEdit
and all the humans are fleeing?

William Kotas10:00 PM
Oh god, you’re into the final part of the film i.e. the scene that is stupid and yet never ends. Ever. God Speed Brave Soldier.

Rentdownstairs10:01 PMEdit
and now the US government is fighting back after totally rolling over in ten seconds before? This movie really makes no goddamn sense. The enemy is staging a perimeter? The enemy is shooting down drones? Don’t they have fucking robo-zeppelins?

Rentdownstairs10:01 PMEdit
I mean, these are mobile battlestations. I am pretty sure they could just roll the fuck on and fight in other places to allow Sentinel to just do whatever. Yes, I have like an hour left still =/

Rentdownstairs10:02 PMEdit
Yup, I see the goddamn robo-zeppelins.

Rentdownstairs10:03 PMEdit
Also other Decepticons like Starscream? Why wouldn’t everyone just scan a jet? I mean Starscream looks like a jet. Is this like a cultural/racial subset thing?

Rentdownstairs10:03 PMEdit
Also, why is Tyrese mad now? Didn’t they talk on the like, 12 hour drive?

Rentdownstairs10:03 PMEdit
Oh that Decepticon is like a harrier awesome tank guy. They should all be that.

Rentdownstairs10:04 PMEdit
Optimus has a shotgun and wants to kill everyone now?

Rentdownstairs10:04 PMEdit
Psyche I guess? Did anyone believe that Starscream aced them with like 6 missiles?

Rentdownstairs10:05 PMEdit
Optimus sacrificed Chicago for what purpose again?

Commenter 210:05 PM
Cause, he wanted to keep it from the insect spirits?

Rentdownstairs10:05 PMEdit
Why are the scots nascars? Why did I not notice that?

Rentdownstairs10:06 PMEdit
Really Sam you know where to look? MAYBE TRUMP TOWER? YOU THINK? It’s the only location they mentioned.

Rentdownstairs10:06 PMEdit
Oh wait, the helicarrier thingy was a ship that also transformed? So it was a transformer inside a transformer? So you can transform while you transform?

Rentdownstairs10:06 PMEdit
Does that mean the robot was like having sex?

Rentdownstairs10:07 PMEdit
Megatron promised to rebuild Cybertron? That was their plan? What the fuck? This makes really even less sense now.

Rentdownstairs10:07 PMEdit
Seriously, these two guys were leading the fucking war. They could have solved that shit.

Rentdownstairs10:08 PMEdit
How did the robot vulture not notice the helicarrier?

Rentdownstairs10:08 PMEdit
It literally flew right over it.

Commenter 210:09 PM
Robots not programmed for love and peace or apparently long term planning or observational skills.

Rentdownstairs10:09 PMEdit
and how does it not just pierce human flesh? It seems like it should just punch through bone and sinew right?

Rentdownstairs10:09 PMEdit
but it makes Bumblebee crash?

Rentdownstairs10:09 PMEdit
Yes, raise the bridges, because no one scans fucking airplanes.

Rentdownstairs10:10 PMEdit
Can’t they just scan whatever? This is fucking retarded.

Commenter 210:10 PM
Also, why teleport down, when they have folks on the moon. Why not bombard from the moon till the people all gave up.

Rentdownstairs10:11 PMEdit
Wait, the US government didn’t know Chicago was fucking annihilated? This movie really does seem kind of anti-government.

Rentdownstairs10:11 PMEdit
Why bombard anyone? The US government already gave up.

Rentdownstairs10:11 PMEdit
Oh right, it was explicitly mentioned Obama was president. I get it now.

Rentdownstairs10:12 PMEdit
You know Optimus, if the humans had plasma cannons, this shit wouldn’t happen.

Rentdownstairs10:12 PMEdit
Also, is the rest of the world horrified at the US? I’d like to see that talked about. I mean, we have giant fucking robots on our side.

Commenter 210:12 PM
They had fucking rail guns in the last film, why are they not using those on decepticons.

Rentdownstairs10:13 PMEdit
See look at that shit. Shockwave is giant as a SAND WORM!

Rentdownstairs10:13 PMEdit
Did they? What the fuck then!

Rentdownstairs10:13 PMEdit
Shockwave is a serious fucking problem for these guys then right?

Rentdownstairs10:13 PMEdit
Really, inventor Q with Boomsticks?

Rentdownstairs10:14 PMEdit
Why are the autobots just firing bullets? Optimus has a fucking fire laser sword.

Rentdownstairs10:14 PMEdit
They had lasers that cut through shit. What the fuck is this horse shit?

Rentdownstairs10:14 PMEdit
ALL THE TURN ZOOMS

Rentdownstairs10:15 PMEdit
Ok, weren’t all the military ships being shot down already? They can just fly in now? I mean, I guess that’s cool?

Rentdownstairs10:15 PMEdit
Oh god, the turn zooms. I am kind of getting motion sick now.

Rentdownstairs10:16 PMEdit
The cinematography in this film is flat out awful. The styles clash, the transitions are non-existant or jarring. The use of effects undercut any sort of tension at all. Ugh.

Rentdownstairs10:17 PMEdit
Now the decepticons are shooting things down left and right, and they are deciding to single hunt down the flying squirrel soldiers? This seems very inefficient.

Rentdownstairs10:18 PMEdit
There were seriously giant hover ships that flew over the open bay and made it fine.

Rentdownstairs10:19 PMEdit
The wasted scenes here are causing me pain. Sam has to give a guy a pep talk, interspersed with a building collapsing and then then nothing happens and the building collapses more?

Rentdownstairs10:20 PMEdit
The robots are hunting like a horror movie now? What kind of shitty tech do these things have really? Why not just collapse the building the rest of the way?

Rentdownstairs10:20 PMEdit
Why not just bomb the piss out of it? Why are they using conventional weapons again? Is this an energon problem again?

Rentdownstairs10:21 PMEdit
Slo mo! I haven’t talked about this, but what the fuck is going on with it? That really is just masturbatory.

Rentdownstairs10:22 PMEdit
Shockwave is fucking giant. I don’t get why he was tiny in his normal form.

Rentdownstairs10:22 PMEdit
I also don’t get how the cyclop-bot didn’t notice the building collapsing. Why use Shockwave to do this?

Rentdownstairs10:22 PMEdit
Tyrese asks a valid question, Why do the Decepticons always get the good shit?

Rentdownstairs10:23 PMEdit
Answer: Optimus Prime is a paranoid dick.

Rentdownstairs10:23 PMEdit
Wasn’t this scene in that transformers rip off that’s korean or whatever? With like a dragon worm robot thing destroying a giant glass building? Stealing from a thief?

Rentdownstairs10:24 PMEdit
Also, I guess this was just reskinned for Avengers right?

Rentdownstairs10:24 PMEdit
Ok, now Optimus is flying around, but he had to have special tech to do it? SCAN A FUCKING PLANE SON

Rentdownstairs10:25 PMEdit
Is Shockwave a super bad ass in the mythos?

Rentdownstairs10:25 PMEdit
Ok, so more pillars are around the world and transformers have hive mind?

Rentdownstairs10:25 PMEdit
I thought the pillars were hidden on the moon?

Rentdownstairs10:26 PMEdit
The pillars were still on Cybertron too then? Is that part of this? Isn’t it pillar to pillar bridging tech?

Rentdownstairs10:27 PMEdit
Decepticons really do fucking slobber. Fucksake.

Rentdownstairs10:28 PMEdit
Sam got like a power armor grappling thing. It was made for humans, uhhhh what?

Rentdownstairs10:28 PMEdit
The turn zooms, jesus archibald christ.

Rentdownstairs10:29 PMEdit
Sam kills Starscream? Starscream can’t get a fucking bomb out of his eye? What. The. Fuck.

Rentdownstairs10:29 PMEdit
You have to be fucking me.

Rentdownstairs10:29 PMEdit
This film needs to buy me dinner first and a cigarette for afters.

Rentdownstairs10:30 PMEdit
Oh the two perv bots are in a robo-zeppelin. I am sure that won’t be Goldblumian shenanigans.

Rentdownstairs10:31 PMEdit
The military is flying in more shit? I feel that this is kind of retarded and super inconsistent.

Rentdownstairs10:32 PMEdit
Hahahaahahahahaaha the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few? FUCKING REALLY? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Rentdownstairs10:32 PMEdit
Dutch the super hacker gay ninja.

Commenter 110:32 PM
Shockwave was the guy left in charge of Cybertron. As badass as Megatron, but not quite so much of a megalomaniac.

Rentdownstairs10:33 PMEdit
So the Decepticons rule Cybertron then? They won?

Rentdownstairs10:33 PMEdit
Why don’t the Decepticons have any branding or color?

Rentdownstairs10:33 PMEdit
The humans have to tell the Decepticons to kill? What?

Rentdownstairs10:34 PMEdit
Oh no? Q died? I guess?

Rentdownstairs10:34 PMEdit
Optimus is a super shitty leader.

Rentdownstairs10:35 PMEdit
Oh look, perv bot hijinks.

Rentdownstairs10:35 PMEdit
Jeff Goldblum lives on in pervy robot form.

Rentdownstairs10:36 PMEdit
Wait, Goldblum isn’t dead?

Rentdownstairs10:36 PMEdit
Why are all the robots talking about nice runs?

Rentdownstairs10:36 PMEdit
This scene goes on for fucking ever. It’s a third of the fucking film. Fuck my life.

Rentdownstairs10:37 PMEdit
It’s not really one scene, but it is one arc. It’s really just one continuous action piece that’s not very good.

Rentdownstairs10:38 PMEdit
Good ol’ US military sniping Decepticons now and murdering bots left and right. I don’t understand what’s happening and why this wasn’t happening way earlier then?

Rentdownstairs10:38 PMEdit
OOOOOH. They just needed a military issue parachute in order to take them out.

Rentdownstairs10:39 PMEdit
Decepticons are kind of like T-Rexes I guess. Do seriously goddamn anything to their faces and they just lose.

Commenter 410:39 PM
And this is why this movie is pre-loaded for free on the Nexus 7: no one in their right mind would pay good money for it at the point.

Rentdownstairs10:40 PMEdit
So Cybertron has shown up, the atmosphere didn’t ignite, it didn’t fall apart or change, everyone isn’t dead and horrible sea catastrophes aren’t occurring? What the fuck?

Rentdownstairs10:40 PMEdit
Oh hey Optimus, glad of you to show the fuck up?

Rentdownstairs10:40 PMEdit
I’d be pissed they took up space on the Nexus 7 for this.

Rentdownstairs10:41 PMEdit
Optimus has fire plasma weapons that slice through metal and armor and shit, except on Sentinel I guess?

Rentdownstairs10:41 PMEdit
Zoom zoom zoom.

Rentdownstairs10:42 PMEdit
Those robo-zeppelins are kind of fucking useless right? They were going around assaulting shit before, but now they are just doing nothing.

Rentdownstairs10:42 PMEdit
Oh shit, Optimus took a plasma arrow to the knee!

Rentdownstairs10:43 PMEdit
Sentinel is kind of a crappy leader too. He could have the matrix.

Rentdownstairs10:43 PMEdit
Hey, there’s Michael Bay’s fetish again.

Rentdownstairs10:44 PMEdit
Ok, so Cybertron was just hanging there outside the atmosphere that time? It was outside the environment?

Rentdownstairs10:44 PMEdit
Conniving Carly, calling Megatron a bitch.

Rentdownstairs10:45 PMEdit
Good thing the US military can fuck up Sentinel with like, normal guns?

Rentdownstairs10:45 PMEdit
Why are Optimus’s weapons so shitty now and Sentinel just slices his arm?

Rentdownstairs10:46 PMEdit
Megatron chooses right then to intervene? He also looks way bigger than Sentinel now and he wasn’t before.

Rentdownstairs10:46 PMEdit
Bumblebee knows what’s up. Just knock that shit over guys, jesus.

Rentdownstairs10:47 PMEdit
Wait, a bridge reversal that time causes a vortex? It didn’t before.

Rentdownstairs10:47 PMEdit
Oh, now Megatron wants peace? Optimus just face raped him. Wow.

Rentdownstairs10:48 PMEdit
Optimus just shot gun murdered Sentinel? What?

Rentdownstairs10:48 PMEdit
I guess Optimus really was just a murderous thug. That’s how he’s presented throughout if you look at it.

Rentdownstairs10:49 PMEdit
Slo-mo pan zooms abound!

Rentdownstairs10:49 PMEdit
Soft focus!

Rentdownstairs10:50 PMEdit
Conniving Carly!

Rentdownstairs10:50 PMEdit
Optimus Prime, talking about having to murder all the humans. Fucking wow.

Rentdownstairs10:51 PMEdit
That’s how the movie ends? With Optimus being like, fuck you guys, this is our planet now?

Rentdownstairs10:51 PMEdit
$1B net you say? Fuck my life.

Rentdownstairs10:52 PMEdit
So end another Live Review session. Perhaps the most depressing session yet. Final verdict? 3 frowny faces. It’s not Eyes Wide Shut or Audition, but fucksake.

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